Actually, i just thought of everything from a new perspective. I don’t know why but it just became so clear.. And now that i see it, i don’t think anyone in your place could have reacted any differently..

I don’t think there is anything to explain now but just that…

I now see that it was me who was making all the decisions and then blaming you for doing what i asked for. i don’t think i need to explain anything further..

I don’t think i have right to say anything more.. Just sending you this because i feel i am obligated to confess if i think i did something like this..

Just be fine.. I don’t know how i’ll be able to face myself now that i see what i did.. How could i?? I just don’t feel anything right now, like my emotions are dead.

And yes, now that i see it, i think it was cheap on my part.. How could i be so blind sighted?

Sorry. I don’t even know how i could even ask for forgiveness.

I hope i kept it simple.

Goodbye

P.S. Please don’t say anything even if you feel like.. I don’t wish to hate myself further

]]> http://walkwityou.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/forgiveness-i-dont-deserve-it/feed/ 0 scarylife http://walkwityou.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/a-new-perspective/ http://walkwityou.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/a-new-perspective/#comments Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:20:40 +0000 scarylife http://walkwityou.wordpress.com/?p=6 ]]>

Saturday, July 18, 2009

1:11 AM

Hey Gem

I am back again and this time I think I have a clearer picture of what I did.. I know I blamed you for quite a bit in the end and I think you would have been disgusted with my behavior.. And more than that, sad.. That’s how I feel now. I feel like I am so ashamed that I wont show you my face forever,,

So heres what I think happened. I think It was me who started it. It was me who said I want to end it and then it was me again who blamed you for kicking me out. You did nothing,,

I think after what I said you couldn’t even have asked me to take me to 6 flags with you. And then when I see u there I feel disgusted. I don’t think I had the right to and when I was not even sure. When I told you that its over, how could u even ask me to..

I think I am so disgusted now that I feel. I don’t know what.. I don’t even think now that I have the right to ask for your forgiveness.. But I am going to try and make things right.

I don’t know how I will do that but I think I can’t figure anything now. But I hope one day I will be. I feel bad now. Real bad..

I am so sorry. But I don think I have the right to ask anything of you anymore. I am sorry.. I wish I could say this to you on your face. Sorry!!!

I think I forgot when you called me on Saturday that I had decided not to talk to you. Sorry..

I don’t know if I have the right to say this but still..

P.S. I Love You

I always wondered how walking with you would be and I always thought one day I would know. Yes, I had dreamt about it.. It was like you begin at a distance when there is a gap between you both and you don know what to say.. Like who will say the first word and then it jus starts, you don know when, where how, but it jus starts.. And after some time you find yourself holding hands and it jus goes on..

I now don’t know if we will ever walk together but I am going to draw a picture of the most perfect walk. The walk to remember..

I have dreamt about it many a times and it always has been the most perfect.. Sometimes it’s a flower bed. Sometimes it’s a large landscape with huge mountains, sometimes its by the side of the ocean.. But the backgrounds don’t matter here.. No matter where, no matter what, no matter how. The person next to me is you. Sometimes a little distant, sometimes up close, sometimes me lifting you in my arms. Sometimes me running behind you… Like it is the most beautiful thing…

It all starts when we are kids, like I don remember anything but those thick glasses.. I was too busy fighting with girls all the time. It was like I hate girls, of course a little longer for me than all other guys but it went on and of course, you were the centre.. It was like I was so bent upon hating you that I dint even realize that  it would one day come back to me and make me realize it was the most beautiful thing. When you long but you are scared of following a path. When you have to live up to the standards..

Life changed, we changed, at least I did.. World became more complicated. I became a bit simpler. I was walking alone all the time never realizing that I needed someone to walk with.. You came in Picture twice. Every time I felt something but I think I was still too busy or arrogant to realize what was meant to be..

Pictures changed, the frame remained the same.. I kept putting new ones every now and then to get the perfect one, not realizing still.. Of course, I got a picture, which was near perfect but it was still hazy, or at least that’s what I think now.. I think my emotion died even before I knew.. Something was not in place but I was not ready to step back. I was adamant, that this is it and its going to last.. But the light was coming from the front and I was too blinded maybe to make out the face..

Then you happened.. I don know how you came into the picture but it now looks like the frame was for you.. Like everything matched perfect.. But I was scared.. Yes, it could not be. You were not meant to be. I kept fighting with myself. Kept coming back to the same question?? Why you?? Why? The answer would never come because there was none. And there was no need.. It jus was supposed to be that way. I kept feeling its from my side and I know it is.. And I don’t know why I keep feeling that either there is someone already or someone you like but he doesn’t show interest.. But because you always deny, I live by your word..

Yes, I know it’s a gamble and the chances of your coming back are all but meager.. But I don’t care even if its one percent.. But I assure you I am going to try my best to get over you. I am going to keep my eyes open and look for someone right but I have a strong feeling its not going to happen.. The walk was supposed to be with you and I know if I walk it will be with you if I ever do..

You know it hurts a lot. Yes, I am only a human. I jus want you around. I jus can’t wait. I keep getting haunted by the thought that maybe I am too late (as I always am). But what else can I do.. You Jus thought of me as a casual friend.. And its totally understandable.. You can not force a emotion.. If only I had not expected more when I came here..

I am sorry for being stupid at times. Having been hurt you, though I got hurt too at times but now its all done so I am not going to keep feeling about that..

I am going to be completely honest with you and I am going to be decent.. I am going to send these things I write to you but if you don’t want them, you can jus drop a word..

There’s so much to say but I guess this is jus the beginning. There’s so much. I have your poems and I have your chats. So I guess I’ll have lots to say about how I felt, when I felt…

I think this is the first time I’m callin you this with so much meaning in this.. I mean each and every word of this letter.. This is the first letter in the series of many to come..

You know gem I am very scared.. I know you might never be mine and the thought itself is jus killing me. I can’t imagine how it is going to be without you.. Now when you don’t reply to my messages I don know what to do.. I jus can’t understand the meaning of it all.. And with a reason so small I jus don’t understand why you would do that..

But who am I to question you. You have a life and you don’t want me to be a part of it. After all, where was I for all this time when you might have needed me.. Where was I for all this time when you were striving all by yourself.. I think I always am late and then I complain that this was supposed to be this way.. Then I complain why do I suffer.. It has to be something wrong wih me you see..

You know what just came to my mind.. I know you will get mad at this but that’s if you ever read this.. I showed your pic to some friend of mine and that idiot thinks I am mad to go behind you.. He says you look like a penguin..  So he thinks that he doesn’t see the reason for me liking you..

And now I think back and feel, why do I need a reason at all..

Anyway, that’s like asking a fish why does it like the water.. Does it have to have a reason. Its just that without water Fish is incomplete. It has no existence. That’s how I feel now..

Its beautiful when your thoughts flow like this. I hope it keeps coming like this.. Feels nice you know..

Its like I have got the power to express out of nowhere.. And everytime I do it I feel I am so light and weightless and then as I gain more thoughts I feel heavy again, but they keep coming..

Happiness Is all I need..

Also, I decided that I am going to end each line of my mail with the inspiration from a movie that I recently watched and loved..

Yours Always

ACP

P.S. I Love You